Two Gentlemen of Verona, or Why Proteus is a Douchebag (Summary)

I have never before read Two Gentleman of Verona. This will probably shock and appall most of you, since I'm clearly the type of hyper literate person who should have very definitive four syllable opinions about these plays before I even start reading. However, it had never come my way before, and in the event that anyone similarly ignorant (or anyone at all) is reading this, I'll give a quick rundown of the plot and move on to more detailed issues in my following posts.

1. There are two dudes, Proteus and Valentine. They are bffs and live in Verona. As we start the play, Valentine is going to Milan to serve the Duke and seek fortune. This is like the modern day equivalent of getting a job as some sort of junior analyst at Goldman Sachs - simultaneously impressive and exactly what's expected of the son of a presumably wealthy enough dude. Proteus has decided that he would rather stay about Verona and obsess over Julia. He's bright enough to admit to it, but in that sort of self satisfied way where you just know he's secretly proud of being the sixteenth century version of a whiny stoner living in his parents' basement.

2. Julia is kind of a bitch about a letter Proteus wrote her. Long story short, she's got an Anna Wintour sort of attitude with her maids, and, after a lot of attitude, loves Proteus.

3. Proteus' father, Antonio, becomes the first sensible character in this play since Valentine. Proteus so obviously embodies the modern day child who comes home from college and watches all his friends start leading adult lives while he cluelessly but happily moves back into his old bedroom, keeps his part time job at Radio Shack and falls obsessively in love with high school girls. At this conjecture, Antonio tells Proteus to cut the shit, and go to Milan. This is like when your parents finally set up an interview with some very important friend, put you in a suit and drive you to the office. Hilariously enough, this happens right as Proteus is about to show his dad evidence of Julia's love. He does not end up doing so, of course, because Proteus has no balls.

4. Upon arrival in Milan, Proteus meets up with Valentine. Valentine proceeds to tell Proteus that now HE has fallen in love with the Duke's daughter, Silvia, who is, of course, meant to marry a rich idiot. Valentine then confides in Proteus a Rapunzel like elopement plan involving Valentine, Silvia, a high tower and "corded ladder" (quoted for no other reason than I find the phrase "corded ladder" pleasing).

* This is a very important point in the plot. If you've been skimming, please skim a little slower for like 2.4 seconds*

It is now that Proteus casts off his mantle of kind of pathetic self indulgent loser, and proudly crosses the threshold into out and out cocksucker douchebag. Upon seeing Silvia for the first time, he forgets about Julia, Verona, his parents' basement and the tiny corner of his heart unsullied by whining and sulking. In short, he falls in love with Silvia, and without hesitation, tells her father of the elopement plan, screwing over Valentine.

If that all went by a little too fast, please read this explanation through one more time - upon meeting the girl his best friend from childhood on has fallen in love with, Proteus forgets entirely about the woman he's promised himself too (and wasted months mooning over), falls in love with this new chickadee, and proceeds to destroy not only his friend's happiness, but also any chance of growth of honor or position in the court of Milan for Valentine.

Proteus is a fucking douche.

Now let's fast forward a bit, since you're all probably getting sick of all these words.

Valentine is banished, joins a group of outlaws and stays in the forest. Julia dresses up like a boy to adventure to Proteus, and joins his employ, finding out his betrayal and his love for Silvia. In turn, Silvia proves herself a pretty awesome chick by staying true to Valentine and giving Proteus the crap he deserves.

Silvia tries to elope with Valentine, things get confused, she runs into the woods, and Proteus follows her, Julia (disguised as Proteus' faithful male page Sebastian) follows. Apparently, since he hasn't been enough of a prick, Proteus decides that he's sick of Silvia's crap, and starts to make the move to rape her. Or, I'm sorry, "force thee yield to me desire".

Of course, Valentine is lurking in the trees, jumps out and rescues Silvia. Julia reveals herself and Proteus realizes that he still loves her (or possibly that it's time to cut his losses), Silvia's father grants his approval to Valentine, and everyone gets married and lives next door to each other and names their children after each other.

It's a very neat ending, and far more than Proteus deserves. It's also far less than Julia, who turns out to be pretty awesome, deserves. Also, let's not forget that Silvia's probably going to be having dinner parties with the guy that stalked her into the woods and tried to rape her for the foreseeable future.

While everyone nominally gets what they want, you have to be a little relieved that the play stops where it does, because I really can't imagine Proteus being a good husband, or the friendship continuing, or Valentine not freaking out when it finally hits him that his best friend betrayed him and tried to rape his fiancee.

To follow: elaboration on the characters of Silvia and Julia and why they're even more awesome than the usually lauded Shakespearean females, discussion of what exactly Valentine sees in Proteus and how neatly this comedy mirrors the modern day coming of age experience for both men and women. Til then, fuck Proteus.